Quiet Power: Say It Like You Mean It

“The media is biased against women, isn’t it?”

“It’s just my opinion, but women are sort of portrayed more negatively than men in the media.”

“Women are kind of not present in leadership positions in the production of media.”

Can you hear it? The self-doubt, the lack of confidence imbedded in those sentences? These comments, spoken by one of my top graduate students during her class presentation, were filled with ‘verbal diminishers’—words or phrases that minimize or call into question what someone is meaning to say. By using a question tag (isn’t it?) or questioning tone at the end of your sentence (sometimes referred to as upspeak) and small words or phrases (just, sort of, and kind of), she negatively impacted the credibility of what she was communicating. Yet, when I looked around the room, other students did not seem bothered. In fact, they were smiling and nodding their heads in agreement to her points. These verbal diminishers have become so normative, most people don’t hear them, let alone know how to remove them.

Women, more so then men, use verbal diminishers in two distinct ways—to appear less confrontational and opinionated  or to obtain acceptance and approval for their ideas. Either way, it’s as if women unconsciously give up their status and diminish what they are trying to say in others’ eyes. Worse, they often diminish their ideas in their own minds, before they have a chance to take root.

In the corporate world, it’s a catch-22 around the boardroom table. To be seen as powerful, one needs to own and display a sense of toughness and an aggressive communication style—to interrupt, get the point across, and hold ground at all costs. For women, this is a tricky balance. If they speak up in a bold assertive voice, they will often be perceived as too aggressive and called the “B” word (bossy or bitchy). However, if they don’t speak up, they will be seen as passive and called a “door mat.” It then becomes difficult to know how to “lean in” to the negotiations, discussions, and opportunities around the table.

How do you find a sense of power and use a communication style that best fits your personality? Quiet Power offers a balance between the aggressive power and passive reluctance. By being confident in yourself and believing in yourself, you will speak with more conviction and a self-assurance and awareness. Question tags and verbal diminishers will drop away, and you will speak with authority and authenticity.

The stakes weren’t high for my graduate student’s class presentation, yet they will be when she enters into strategic networking opportunities or future salary negotiations in the corporate world. Depending on your audience or social situation, it might make sense to soften the intensity of your statement and use verbal diminishers to convey your meaning. However, be sure that is your intent, otherwise you will come off as lacking confidence and conviction.

Not sure how to change these patterns? Here are three easy action steps that I share with Breaking Thru Barrier clients to help them gain confidence in their communication styles at work and in all areas of their lives.

1. Question Tags —“Isn’t it?” “Could you?” “Would you mind?”—These short questions in your sentences can negate your belief in a statement. Have a friend help you become aware of when you use them. Drop them from your sentences and make your statement with conviction rather than with a questioning intonation.
2. Minimizers —“Just” or “A little”—These words take away from the power of your message and undermine the value of what you are trying to express. Ask a friend to alert you to when you say them and reassess their usefulness. Eliminate them from the sentence and your statement will be more succinct, direct, and powerful.
3. Qualifiers —“Sort of” and “Kind of”—These phrases indicate uncertainty in what you are trying to convey and act as unnecessary filler. Remove these filler words and you will present strong and to-the-point statements.In my previous blog, I talked about flipping the script of negative messages in your head to begin the journey of believing in yourself and developing your own quiet power. Along with that skill, using strong declarative words helps build confidence in what you want to express and convey, especially in high stakes meetings and situations. Once you are more comfortable in saying what you mean, you can then match you words with strong body language to solidify what you say. Stay tuned for more confidence-building tips!